As published in Dinero Magazine

Recently I visited with a family business here in Colombia full of enthusiasm, vitality and hope. As I walked through the company it was easy to feel a sense of excitement and positive enjoyment throughout the organization. The family members working in the business, the non-family executives, managers and employees all appeared purposeful, motivated and energetic. Out of the office, the family as a whole expressed a vitality from the very youngest family members to the older ones. Although, as most Colombian businesses they have faced tough economic realities, including downsizing, and a deep reduction in profits and dividends they exuded a sense of hope and optimism.

This was an unusual experience for me. More often, when I visit family businesses I find a fairly deep sense of unhappiness and sometimes, even despair. Why does this happen? How does the bold and successful dream of the entrepreneur (or entrepreneurs – brothers, cousins or partners) turn from that sense of hope, enjoyment and beauty to some form of unhappiness or relentless frustration?

An example is another business I had the opportunity to meet. The third generation of this family business recently decided to sell all shares of the business upon the death of their remaining parent so they would not have to work together as a team. They , the four adult children (40 – 55 years old) had struggled with each other for years trying to work together and had concluded it was impossible.

They left the meeting deeply unhappy, tense and self justified in their perceptions of each other as defensive and untrustworthy. Privately, they each confided to me that this was not the solution they wanted but that the others’ demanded it. In my eyes, they had fallen into an abscess of defensive communication, anger, distrust and despair. They rarely saw each other outside of the meetings and formal social family events like Christmas. They blamed each other for past business difficulties and when asked, each could give a long explanation about the personality dysfunctions of each other and why it was the other’s fault that they could not work as a team. Not only had they decided to sell the shares as soon as they thought they could, the authentic sense of family was broken.

The family comes from history rich in tradition and old-time values of hard-work, financial conservatism, fairness to employees, entrepreneurial skill and luck. The grandfather to these children has started the business over 75 years ago and had built it from nothing to solid well reputed small enterprise. The grandfather had 3 children, one of whom died fairly young, the second was a daughter and therefore not considered or allowed to have any interest in the business and the third was a son, the successor and the father to these adult children.

This son loved the business and expanded it enormously. His entrepreneurial skills far surpassed his father’s. He began in the business as a adolescent, worked his way up. He bought out the shares of the business that had been left to his brother. His wife understood his passion for the business. The business dominated his life, his role as a parent and husband was clearly secondary. His autocratic leadership style worked well in the business. The children were raised primarily by the mother and got to know their father when they worked for him in the business. The wealth of the family grew and was enjoyed by them.

The four children, of course, each have their own personality. The oldest began in the business early in his life, showed deep competitiveness, aggressiveness and entitlement. He felt that he could do better then his father if only given the chance. The second child, a daughter mostly kept away from the business. She acted as the emotional barometer of the family – her emotions swinging greatly with each family and business challenge and crisis. The third child, another son showed signs of depression. He worked in the business as well looking for his father’s approval but never determining his own passions. The fourth child prided himself in his rationality, rarely showing his emotions. For a time he had a successful career outside the family business but lost his job in a corporate downsizing. Several years after that, still unable to find an executive position, he began working in the family business.

Over the years each child had fairly deep unsolved conflicts with the father, the mother and with each other. More then anything the father hoped for the children to be able to get along and ideally act as a team. But in the father’s eyes it seemed impossible. The oldest son always wanted his own way, the daughter emotionality alienated herself from her brothers, the third son seemed not strong enough in Dad’s eyes and the youngest blamed all problems on someone else. The Father did not believe in sharing much information – family or business – with anyone including his wife and children. In this case, although Dad was now 80 years old, he continued to make all the critical business decisions. He hoped for his children to act together as responsible shareholders and continue the business legacy. The oldest son left the business deeply unhappy, the daughter seemed jealous and insecure of her brothers, the third child was so rigid in his thinking that no discussion ever seemed fruitful and the youngest was still looking for productive work outside the family business.

When the children met and discussed business issues, they quickly took positions and made arguments as to reasonableness of their positions. They were barely able to hear each other’s words and obviously not able to recognize the deeper motivations of each other. Their inability to recognize the emotional needs of each other fueled the sense of despair and the lack of hope that as a family they all are currently experiencing.

Is the family salvageable? Can they build hope? I believe they can if they are willing to relate to themselves and each other differently. They could begin by learning how to listening more deeply to themselves and each other. They need to identify their strengths and growth needs as individuals, family members and business partners. By looking at how to deepen their own ability to love and grow as family members they may be able to open meaningful communication. Avoiding the tendency to accept the superficial ways they communicate as a family and promoting thoughtful dialogue about important issues in front of them such as:

What kind of family do we want to be in the future and what can I do to help build it?

What kind of communication and relationship best serves us?

How do I need to grow as an individual, business manager and shareholder?

What business goals do we share?


Through this kind of self reflection, identification of one’s own and each others’ needs the family may begin to build open communication and the kind of understanding that increases trust and emotionally-fulfilling relationships. These kinds of family dialogues promote hope, family unity and allow for constructive business decision-making regardless of whether they continue as shareholders of the family firm.

Marc A. Silverman, Ph.D. principal of Strategic Initiatives Inc. a consulting firm that specializes in Family Business in the USA and Latin America. He can be reached at Marc@StrategicInitiatives.net