Conversations that Need to Happen in Family
Businesses
Family business relationships require constant
transparent communication. Without it, like the engine without
oil, the parts begin to grind on each other and eventually destroy the
engine.
As published in Dinero Magazine
(Originally published in Spanish)
Family Businesses are beautiful but complex organisms. As advisors for
family companies we often see deep alienation between family
shareholders and managers. What usually begins innocently and from a
noble purpose such as “I’d like to help my son succeed in
business” or “I want to help my husband succeed economically” or
“I’d like to help my Dad” often turns into great emotional
distance, alienated conversations and heartache.
Often the kind of communication that’s so badly needed either
doesn’t take place or diminishes over time. In cases like this,
usually everyone in and around the family is quite clear about the
difficulties and often the roots of them, Further, in many families the
members complain bitterly to their spouses or others who reinforce their
unhappiness and blame of the other. Critically needed conversations seem
not to take place. Why does this happen and what can family members do
about it?
Like motors need oil, family business relationships as all relationships
require constant transparent communication. Without it, like the engine
without oil, the parts begin to grind on each other and eventually
destroy the engine. Family Business Members need the ability to talk
about those issues that caused distrust or disrespect in such a way that
resolves the animosity and allows the members to go forward in their
family business relationships well.
Most often these difficulties are rooted in the history of the family
culture which can be seen in past conversations between family members.
As parents and children struggle and thrive in their early years
characters, attitudes and behavior patterns evolve. As most of us know,
raising children and growing-up is not easy – we all do the best we
can – but usually there are failures of love, emotional intelligence,
and communication
We all are imperfect. How can we deal with the imperfections in
ourselves, our children, and our parents well? When asked about defining
and memorable events that shaped their present difficulties in family
business communication, most can easily find in their memory a number of
conversations that helped shape the current issues. For these
conversations helped shape the person’s view of the world and the
critical people in it. Sometimes these memories are quite beautiful and
loving, other times they are not. In family business they tend to come
out in the middle of fights or in private intimate conversations with
others. Here are some typical sentences:
-- My brother has always mistreated me, one time when I was 8 …
-- Dad has never appreciate the work I do, as a teenager …
-- When I needed a loan, I was told to work harder, when my brother
needed a loan, my dad simply asked “How much do you need son?”
-- My brother was the smart one, I was the athletic one,
-- Mom taught me, we (girls) must take care of the men first …
What is most important is that these critical events that shaped our
attitudes and behavior in our family business most often are not
discussed. Nor are they forgotten. Quite the contrary, they hold quite a
bit of power over the person’s mind and actions. But should this
history be discussed? After all, many argue, whatever happened, happened
and cannot be changed
It is the present and future that must be dealt with, and the past only
as it relates to the present. Whenever conflict can be resolved through
only discussion of present and future needs that is preferable. But,
when the individuals are stuck in disrespectful, alienated and low trust
communication to the point of it interfering with their ability to work
well together – then a conversation about the past needs to take
place.
Family business members might ask themselves the following questions:
1) With the family members I work with, where the communication and/or
trust level is low - what critical events shaped my relationship with
them?
2) How do these events impact our communication and relationship today?
3) Are they discussable and if with uncomfortable feelings – are they
healable?
4) What kind of conversations need to take place in order to heal this
old wound?
5) How could I open the door to this kind of conversation?
Is it possible to heal old wounds? This critical question cannot be
answered simply Usually the answer is yes! Significant progress can be
made if you or the other relates from a place of deeper empathic
understanding, compassion and learning. If the family members cannot
speak to the other, can each individual find a way within themselves to
heal this pain? If not, one could expect only more difficulties in the
development of trust and communication between family business members
and more and more difficulty in the working relationship.
Marc A. Silverman, Ph.D. principal of Strategic Initiatives Inc. a
consulting firm that specializes in Family Business in the USA and Latin
America. He can be reached at Marc@Sii-inc.net
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